Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Tights That....Weren't


Okay. So it's finally Fall. The season I wait for all year long. Weather that lets me wear soft fluffy sweaters, cute jeans, warm tights...and the air is so fresh and crisp. The sun shines down on the Autumn leaves and all is right with the world. So, I get up this morning and I think to myself, "Self, let's pick out something cute to wear today, it's FALL!" I choose carefully. My new cream fleecy jacket, over a cream sweater, with a denim knee length skirt, my favorite black tights (you know, ladies, the nice soft cottony/matte ones, not the shiny nylony ones) and a pair of black ankle boots. And, tying it all together? A lovely scarf that my Mom gave me last year for Christmas - black with a grey and cream floral print on it. I set out for my work commute feeling pretty darn cute, if I say so myself. Walk to the bus. No problem. Get off the bus, walk to Starbucks. No problem. Head down one last block to my office. Uh-Oh, we have a problem. I start to feel the waist of my oh-so-cute-and-comfy-cottony tights slide a little lower than it should. I'm thinking, okay, no biggie, they can be low riders. I keep walking. The trouble is, once this starts to happen, it happens QUICK - and with each step I feel those tights falling lower. I'm in a skirt, and they are now so low I can't even really grab them from the top any more. I thought surely they would have stopped near my hips, or even my bootie...but NOOOO, down, down, down they went and now I'm thinking "Good GOD I'm wearing a knee length skirt and each step brings me closer to having the crotch of my tights falling BELOW the hem of my skirt!!" I thought, please please please let me make it to my building...but alas, this was not to be. I was trapped. I had to stop walking for fear that they would literally drop to my ankles. I could hear footsteps behind me, so I started digging around frantically in my purse, to give the impression that whatever I was looking for was so important that I had to halt all forward motion just to seek it out. I let the man pass me while I “searched”. So, then I'm thinking - well, I can't just STAND here all day, I have to do something - but I can't pull my tights up without lifting my skirt - nope..don't want to do that. So, I did the only thing I could, which was to start shuffle stepping forward along the wall of the building, hoping for an opportunity to duck into a doorway somewhere - my kingdom for a doorway!! I ended up wedged next to a revolving door at the entrance of the building across the street from my office. I had to drop all of my bags, grab my tights and pull them the remaining 6" down to my boots, take off my boots, take off my tights, and put my bare feet back into my boots while shoving the stupid soft cotton NO ELASTIC HAVING waistband m*f*ing tights back into my bag... One lucky thing is that my hair is so long right now that when I bent forward, it reached almost to the ground, like a curtain blocking the view of passersby. (Not so lucky was the guard at the desk on the other side of the glass wall I was leaning my ass up against as I disrobed on the street...) Once I had my boots back on, I just picked up my bags and started walking. I sent visual daggers at the dude on the corner who had been staring at me since I first began my frantic rummage through my purse - but seriously, who was I kidding? There's no coming back from that.

Maybe Winter's not so bad after all.

2 comments:

Just Us said...

Oh Doc! That is just too funny. You must be a blast to shop with. LOL

Unknown said...

I didn't read this story on face book but heard about it from Britta. Man is that hilarious. I think you handled it quite well. LOL.
Jen